and we are a month!

A few weeks ago when I said I'd be amazed if I lasted a month nursing, it turns out I was rather overoptimistic.

We haven't successfully nursed in two weeks now. Any attempt results in screams and tears. Skin-to-skin contact is generally avoided for the same reason. She's never once actually rooted around and found her way to my breast, which is something they're supposed to be able to do from as soon as they're born.

Pumping has been mostly a disaster too. I should be doing it every 2 hours to try to keep up supply, and I simply can't. I've come to the conclusion that maybe I don't care about this as much as I thought I did. Choice between sleeping at night or pumping? I'll sleep. Choice between cuddling Gwen while she sleeps during the day and pumping? I'll cuddle. Choice between interacting with Gwen when she's awake or comforting her when she's crying or letting her sit in the basket (either awake and alert and happy, or crying) and pumping? I'll take holding Gwen any time. I got the pump with the intention that I would pump during the day on a regular basis after I went back to work and couldn't nurse while she was in day care. I never thought it'd end up being the only source of breastmilk for her and that it would encroach on my life so much, and I find I just can't do it. I pumped once yesterday. I've pumped once today. I've gotten maybe 2ml. It's not worth it.

It's still so frustrating. I feel like we never got a chance. There was no reason why this shouldn't have worked. I had great supply. She had no palate or tongue problems. It was just a matter of figuring out the mechanics, and somehow or other that never happened, and I don't know why. But at this point I don't know what to do about it any more, and the only advice I've really gotten was to pump regularly to bring my supply back up, and then we'll look into trying to get her back onto the breast. But I just don't see this happening.

*sigh* I wish I had a happy "one month birthday!" post, but I can't really find it in me at the moment.